I need to know if the user could theoretically make a phone call.
Does anyone know how to "return true" (using Cocoa iOS) when the user's iPhone is able to connect to the carrier's network? (not the internet)
Or how to programmatically tell "how many bars of reception" the user has?
Link your application against the CoreTelephony.framework
You can check the CTCarrier object and see if you've a valid result (!=nil) for some property that require a connection with the Phone Provider.
For example, below there's a snip of code that check against the mobileNetworkCode property of CTCarrier. This property is != nil if-and-only-if the device is connected to a Phone Provider (your desired task, user able to make a phone call, is included in the state described above).
more info at the Apple Developer Documentation url: http://developer.apple.com/library/IOs/#documentation/NetworkingInternet/Reference/CTCarrier/Reference/Reference.html